As far I can remember back, I have been fearful and anxious, which has created a basic feeling of insecurity in me. It was very important for me to maintain mental control, otherwise I would be lost in an inferno of emotions – which I guess I was anyway. But mentally to have control, to have hold of the reins gave me a feeling of being able to foresee events, and I could feel a great joy and intensity when I thought I acted true.  This feeling left me mostly when I was again alone with myself. Then came the feeling of bad conscience. Had I now been too much, acted at the expense of others, hurt someone, been too selfish, etc. etc.

I developed many strategies, created many rules for myself, so I could easier  engage in social contexts. Not show when I was hurt and felt down - avoid conflicts - rather evade the truth - iron out and be understanding - always understand things from all sides - always happy and positive. These norms have often and again put me in dilemmas that I could almost not cope with, but I was convinced that the harder life was, the more I was on the right track. Praise and loving words to me were erroneous, criticism was justified.

It has been a strange conflicting emotional life. I would really like to get involved, tell everything about my thoughts and feelings, help others, be social, be a good human being. I have tried to get deeply involved, but it often ended up with me being totally drained of energy, and totally exhausted physically. I had to let other people be proactive and then shape myself according to them. I did not manage to respond well to my surroundings.

Disapproved of praise and appreciation ...
I have often been amazed and a little scared if someone showed me a great deal of sympathy, and loved me for my own sake, it deserved, I certainly did not deserve it and I also thought that it required me to constantly have to keep a standard that I could not manage. At the same time I wanted to be loved more than anything else, protected, accepted and loved. (not always having to be so vigilant, anxious and wary).  Despite this self-reproach and anxiety not to suffice, I have also had a naive belief that I had something good to bring the world and that at the core I was solid and unwavering. Something in my mind has always after a "downer", led me to again try to participate, to use the potential that I know I have and that I would like to show.

Consciousness ...
During the past several years, I think that I have intellectually been aware of what some of my problems were, but I have actually been totally unable to change my way of life and deal with my problems. I have tried lots of times, but to no avail. I was like trying to go through a door which was not there.

When I was young, I took a drama education, and through that, and my work as an actress, I learned many strategies and ways to tackle my phobias. I gained a tremendous satisfaction when I acted. I could live out a myriad of emotions and situations without being in danger of going under. It was exhilarating.  But despite praise and assurances about my talent, I left my profession as an actor. I felt bad and could not deal with the "hard" part of the profession.  What was true and what just acting, what was me and what were the others? The fight for roles, the sharp elbows, libelous talk, conflicts, booze and nightlife, and what else had to be done to be favoured by those who were in power.  It is strange that I have such an urge to expose myself, and then simultaneously want to fudge, not stand by what I am and what I had to offer when I played theater. A free space - here I could try to be true, to be intensely present, and train my ability to be present without harming myself or others. During my lifes great crisis, which lasted some years, I actually only breathed "freely and easily" when I painted. It worked as an overpressure valve, a place where I could work with or forget my problems. I later learned that painting, like so many other processes, represent two opposite sides.  A redemptive and one that requires hard and serious work.

Cause and context ...
As a child I often felt strage physically, was unwell, had a pain in the body and head, later in the 20s I started getting hives, which was almost daily. It ended with an anaphylactic shock and hospitalization.  I found out that the hives were related to wheat-based foods, and by limiting my intake of bread, etc. it has been easier to control my allergy.
After 3 visits to you (Ellen Eriksen, ed.) with correction of various imbalances my fundamental condition has changed. I feel more collected, more complete, more present in my body. My fear is not present in the same massive way and I am not thinking the same things over and over again, I can better act on emotional reactions. Feelings and intellect are working better together, and above all, my ability to think is better. I try to meet each new challenge without forming strategies and without preparing for rejection. It works, and eventually it will probably be a more integral part of my life. I feel lighter and is not  as easily drained of energy.
By listening to the CD with the corrective sounds, I can maintain and restore balance in my body when necessary. I am deeply grateful to you for the help and insight which the corrections and visits to you has given me.